Dear People Without Clinical Depression,
I am the first human on this revolving earth to ever assume that I have all of the answers. In fact, I am self aware to the point that I am assured I have none of them. But, it is evident that there is an ever growing mental health crisis and you don’t have to be any type of person to see that. The lack of competent medical professionals and kind therapists who let you bring lattes into their offices are not the problem. Please note that I am not one of said medical professionals or therapists, although I will always let you bring coffee into my office. I am just a no one. A person that has lived with depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and anxiety for many years. Each one evolving into a more vicious version of their previous form. I was just recently diagnosed, with the counsel of my psychiatrist, with premenstrual dysphoric disorder in my early twenties. Now that you know enough about me to see what I seek to shed light on, let’s get to the edge of the knife.
I have incessantly researched depression as it is seems to be a very elusive of mental health struggle for many. In my research, on an academic level to a blogger who made a statement about their stories, I see one thing that troubles me. There are droves of people who write, on said blogs, from a perspective of personal experience.
You could say, “isn’t that what you’re doing, Payten?” You would be absolutely right. I am. I am just turning the narrative. I am encouraging those who are not okay right now.
I am writing to those who struggle with mental health issues and are not miraculously healed from some type of prayer or practice. Not that prayer or mindful practices don’t greatly decrease the strain. The trouble with some is that people want to sell you tricks. They claim mental illness falsely. They want to bully you into using their way to make your symptoms go away and you’ll feel like something is wrong with you if the symptoms do not reside. This is not an angry diss. I have read plenty of writers out there who have had very helpful advice. It just seems that some do not write from experience. They write from a point of fixing. The ones who have depression figured out do not want you to have it anymore. And I wish I could just not have it. But why? What if our darkest points are the light pouring through someone else’s windowpane. What if we still need to go through more depressive episodes to learn something valuable? Sometimes there isn’t anything valuable to glean. Just yelling and crying and throwing things. But again, why would you diminish your deep pain? You have grown and seen so may tough times through. I don’t know what to say other than please to do not listen to people who tell you that you are flawed because you haven’t been cured of depression. That is not to say that your depression will go away or that some practice you read into may exponentially decrease your pain. Life without depression isn’t life, you are already living life now. There is nothing that magically happens to you without depression. You are still perfectly made, wonderful, and whole while you have mental health struggles. However, many of these people are testifying false methods of healing and miraculous signs that no doubt God can perform, but He has not guaranteed us a life free of suffering. This is when it is toxic to us who suffer. I understand that is not many people’s intent, but that confusion is still felt. This confusion exacerbates our self hatred and our pessimistic view of God and religion.
As unhopeful as this sounds, you will have to sit in your discomfort. You may have to turn it over in you mouth and get a grasp of how it feels. It will suck. But with certainty I can tell you it will pass. We were not given a hopeless existence. We have Hope. All I would encourage you to do is sit with it. Just call it what it is and leave the power in its name. Don’t give it any more beyond that. You are worthy of spending your life focusing on what brings you joy. Not faulting yourself for something that you experience. Even when it doesn’t seem so, you are a gift.
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me a years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” ~ Mary Oliver