lily of the valley

i’d plant a lily of the valley on my depressed soul

the tiny white bells ringing in relief.

the scent of may days lingering.

i’d pray for the return of happiness

the respite from choking thoughts

the gentleness of new life

reminding me there is nothing You can’t bring life from.

reminding me growth is in the valleys.

{from the floral expanse poetry collection}

Dear People Without Clinical Depression,

I am the first human on this revolving earth to ever assume that I have all of the answers. In fact, I am self aware to the point that I am assured I have none of them. But, it is evident that there is an ever growing mental health crisis and you don’t have to be any type of person to see that. The lack of competent medical professionals and kind therapists who let you bring lattes into their offices are not the problem. Please note that I am not one of said medical professionals or therapists, although I will always let you bring coffee into my office. I am just a no one. A person that has lived with depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and anxiety for many years. Each one evolving into a more vicious version of their previous form. I was just recently diagnosed, with the counsel of my psychiatrist, with premenstrual dysphoric disorder in my early twenties. Now that you know enough about me to see what I seek to shed light on, let’s get to the edge of the knife.

I have incessantly researched depression as it is seems to be a very elusive of mental health struggle for many. In my research, on an academic level to a blogger who made a statement about their stories, I see one thing that troubles me. There are droves of people who write, on said blogs, from a perspective of personal experience. 

You could say, “isn’t that what you’re doing, Payten?” You would be absolutely right. I am. I am just turning the narrative. I am encouraging those who are not okay right now. 

I am writing to those who struggle with mental health issues and are not miraculously healed from some type of prayer or practice. Not that prayer or mindful practices don’t greatly decrease the strain. The trouble with some is that people want to sell you tricks. They claim mental illness falsely. They want to bully you into using their way to make your symptoms go away and you’ll feel like something is wrong with you if the symptoms do not reside. This is not an angry diss. I have read plenty of writers out there who have had very helpful advice. It just seems that some do not write from experience. They write from a point of fixing. The ones who have depression figured out do not want you to have it anymore. And I wish I could just not have it. But why? What if our darkest points are the light pouring through someone else’s windowpane. What if we still need to go through more depressive episodes to learn something valuable? Sometimes there isn’t anything valuable to glean. Just yelling and crying and throwing things. But again, why would you diminish your deep pain? You have grown and seen so may tough times through. I don’t know what to say other than please to do not listen to people who tell you that you are flawed because you haven’t been cured of depression. That is not to say that your depression will go away or that some practice you read into may exponentially decrease your pain. Life without depression isn’t life, you are already living life now. There is nothing that magically happens to you without depression. You are still perfectly made, wonderful, and whole while you have mental health struggles. However, many of these people are testifying false methods of healing and miraculous signs that no doubt God can perform, but He has not guaranteed us a life free of suffering. This is when it is toxic to us who suffer. I understand that is not many people’s intent, but that confusion is still felt. This confusion exacerbates our self hatred and our pessimistic view of God and religion.

As unhopeful as this sounds, you will have to sit in your discomfort. You may have to turn it over in you mouth and get a grasp of how it feels. It will suck. But with certainty I can tell you it will pass. We were not given a hopeless existence. We have Hope. All I would encourage you to do is sit with it. Just call it what it is and leave the power in its name. Don’t give it any more beyond that. You are worthy of spending your life focusing on what brings you joy. Not faulting yourself for something that you experience. Even when it doesn’t seem so, you are a gift.

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me a years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” ~ Mary Oliver 

Unknown

Maybe the unknown is the cause of your anxiety or your constant sense of inner turmoil. Is the sleepless worry or painful tension in your soul caused by rumination on the thought of a place, person, or purpose you are yet to be acquainted with?

Unknown is the very opposite of familiarity and control.

As many of us have lived out our years, we have clear, razor sharp images of how a lack of familiarity or control has caused turmoil. These situations are seared into our minds, clearer, it seems, than the spontaneity that led us to great joy. We think back on how that lack of control led to destruction and it seems obvious that if we were in our comfort zone with firm handle on what was ahead, everything would have turned out the way it was carefully planned to.

I believe this destructive lie nearly every day. controlling situations, people, or circumstances only wears me out. How can I enjoy the beauty of the sunlight filtering through the clouds, my favorite songs, or the embrace of a loved one if I am incessantly grasping at it?

While familiarity and control can be comfortable for a while, they can cease the mind and make our souls believe that the possession of these two attributes in our circumstances are the most valuable.

We can create positive familiarity and we can create constructive control.

I have realized it is possible to divert our desire for control into something helpful. this constructive control can be created by writing, drawing, or composing music. using your passion. In the form of creation, we have complete control. these are absolutely positive ways to exert the damaging need to control others or our circumstances. One step that I find particularly freeing is that my need to control is just part of the human condition. Giving grace to myself when I feel the urge to have authority over a person or situation, I allow myself to realize that this is not how peace was intended to feel.  It is cleansing to our soul when we reframe our need for control in this life giving and creative way. This is by no means easy, but it is truly freeing. you can do this. Take small steps and check in with yourself.

When we reframe our unknowns into hope instead of fears, our eyes are opened and our soul can be renewed. Instead of allowing our minds to race to pick apart all of the infinite fears we can conjure up, we can choose to intentionally focus on the infinite hope that can come from people, places, or purposes we don’t know right now.

holly

your curious case of deep depression has made you diligent.

an eerie foresight
into the recurring episodes of the future.

this aptitude is your gift and one day your generosity.

know that your gift to predict has never been a curse, but
is the vigilance of love.

your intuition in the gritty dirt is pushing others out of it.
to bloom.

from ~ the floral expanse a poetry collection